Five Signs of the End Times
Recently, I read a magazine article indicating several possible endings to the world and the threat level associated with each. They had things like Al Qaeda, the impending bee extinction and the Mayan calendar’s prediction of 12/21/12. However, how are we as gamers supposed to know when the world is coming to an end? Will humans have a sixth sense that the end times are upon us?
I’ve given it a lot of thought and here are some tell-tale signs that life as we know it is coming to a close:
5. Parents start paying attention to game ratings
We’ve all had the experience where we’ve been on our favorite voice-enabled video game and all of a sudden in drops a squeaky, high-pitched voice. I typically ask what their parent’s occupation is that doesn’t allow them any supervision. However, if there is suddenly a lack of pre-pubescent gamers on our favorite game servers, we might want to start stocking up on survival supplies.
4. Parents start playing first person shooters
Soccer and hockey moms taking on a sudden desire to play Left 4 Dead or Call of Duty should really give the greater gaming community a reason to take notice. We’ll know this has taken place if, after the disappearance of the aforementioned demographic, activity numbers on the various networks (PSN, Xbox Live, etc) hasn’t dipped. The urge to put down the knitting needles or soldering iron and pick up a game controller can only be explained by their ability to know when you’re up to know good – they know trouble is afoot and have to practice their spanking skills.
3. Exclusive zombie-themed games go multi-platform
In the event of the end of the world coming at the hands of the undead, it will be in the best interest of humanity to give as many people a chance to “train up” on their zombie killing skills. Resistance, Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, Resident Evil – all of these games will be available in some form on each of the consoles, as well as PC and Mac. (EDITORS NOTE: When it is on a Mac, then the world must be ending!) When these games are made available for Linux, then it’s really time for us to head to the next “safe room” to stock up on medpacks and ammo!
2. Video games come bundled with gun controllers…and transparent bullet proof plating for your TV
This already exists to a certain extent – we have the gun controller attachments for the Wii. However, once Valve starts running weekend deals on Steam for Left 4 Dead at half-price with the added bonus of a real shotgun thrown in the mix, hit the canned food section of your local grocery store.
1. Jack Thompson gives up
The least likely of all of these events, especially given his persistence even after losing his license to practice law in Florida, is Jack Thompson calling it quits on his crusade against video games. Of anyone, he certainly would not have anything to worry about if the book of Revelation is right about the end times – he’ll be swept up in the Rapture with all the other “good” Christians (as the interpretation of the story goes – the Left Behind movies illustrate it). Since he is on such good terms with God, he’ll probably know when everything is supposed to go down, and just give up on his oppression of fun. If news breaks that ol’ Jack-o is conceding, you may want to head to your favorite church of choice and start asking for repentance of your evil ways – it’ll have to be Christian, of course, and the more Evangelical the better. (EDITORS NOTE: the author is a Christian minister, but personally doesn’t identify with the description of the end times in Revelation)
If you have any other telltale signs that the apocalypse is just around the corner, leave it in the comments – I want to know what else to look for!
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