Thoughts of a Random Gamer

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What I Hate About PC Gaming

I’m no stranger to PC gamers though I am a bit of a stranger to PC gaming.  I’ve never really understood the draw of PC gaming other than exclusive titles.  Even the exclusive gangbusters don’t merit purchasing a new computer every six months just to be able to enjoy the splendor of the latest addition in the epitome of nerd porn.

The gaming feudal system. Here’s how the hierarchy goes in order of self perceived importance: PC gamers, Xbox 360/PS3 gamers, Wii, handhelds, last generation consoles, flash games, and finally specialty handhelds/plug and play games.  As with all hierarchies shit always runs down hill and being a console gamer I’m sick of being shit on.  “It’s because the game was scaled back for the console versions that it wasn’t as good as it could be.”  “It’s because the developers took the additional time to program the console version that the game fell behind schedule.”

I’ve made both remarks about the Wii, but hey, I’m higher on the chain of command.  Concerning the first statement, maybe the game was shit to begin with?  No matter how much money is thrown at the lofty goals, there isn’t a decade’s worth of time or enough programmers in India to include every single feature and make every graphic look better than reality.  I suppose it’s in true American tradition, if there’s a flaw or shortcoming, it’s always easiest to blame someone or something else.

For the second statement, the real current generation consoles are more powerful than the average home computer and with consoles you have to have the current generation to play the latest games, unless you still play on a PS2… peasant.   So developers are making games for the average home computer, which happens to take the form of a console, in hopes of expanding their install base and in turn make more money.  Excuse me all to hell, but that sounds dangerously like competent business planning.  Also, being an Xboxer, I can point my finger at XNA and tell you to shove that lengthened development life cycle complaint firmly up your ass.

The hardware. With computer games there are minimum settings, which are typically for the most advanced computer… 3 years ago, and then there are recommended settings, that by today’s standards, are equivalent to licensing HAL for the purposes of gaming.  Somewhere in between the computer settings is the console.  You can spend upwards of $500 on a console which includes a game and additional controller.  That $500 will last around 5 years.  The other option is to spend $500 on a graphics card/sound card/motherboard every single year, if not 6 months, to get the most out of the latest PC game.

As much as I like wasting my money on all the useless trinkets that do so little to enrich my life, I think I’d rather save some money and stick with consoles.  Sure you can run computer games on the minimum settings but it isn’t the same game.  Everything looks blocky, the controls are choppy, your computer starts breathing like an obese man running a marathon, and you’ll likely have to uninstall all of your programs to free enough space to install the motherfucker.

The controls. How the hell in the world do you use a mouse and keyboard to play a video game?  That’s clearly a rhetorical question.  I’m sure with a lot of practice I could pick it up, but I use a mouse and keyboard all fucking day, and so do most professionals.  To me using a mouse and keyboard with the precision a video game requires is more likely to create a wicked PowerPoint, not save the indigenous people of wherever from blah blah blah.  I know they sell joysticks and control pads for computers but the game is programmed for the keyboard and mouse.  Using a third party peripheral to play a PC game feels like taking a bulimic out for fine cuisine.

Have you let your hand sit on a mouse and keyboard for an extended period of time?  That shit hurts.  You won’t be able to comfortably jerk off and your wrists curl in such a way that makes it difficult to eat with a spoon properly.

The pricing. I figure it takes just as much work to program a PC game as a console game.  Why do PC games cost $10 less than their console counterparts?  Well fuck you, that’s why.  You’re a PC gamer so you have the additional money to spend on the exact same game.

The gamers. I don’t recall any instances of console gamers who neglected their health for such a prolonged period of time that they died from starvation, malnutrition, dehydration, or exhaustion.  How the fuck do you die of starvation or exhaustion playing a video game?  Is the outside world so bad that you must neglect your own well being to such a degree?  This kind of person showers rarely, brushes their teeth even less, and stamps their tighty whiteys with shit or nearly pisses their pants before they stop playing for long enough to use the bathroom.  I know abused children who are treated better by their parents.

That’s not to say all PC gamers will lose their job because they prefer to stay home and play on their computer.   The most extreme PC gamers I know live out of a 6′ x 6′ room filled with computer monitors, a desk, and a computer chair.  Everything they eat has a cold or microwave option.  Their income is spent on upgrading their computer to the newest whatever or buying a plane ticket to another country so they can kill some poor bastard who vexed them in that one online game… and they need to replay the middle school tutorial on basic hygiene.  The most extreme console gamers I know, have gotten into fights with their girlfriends or wives because in between the 8 hours of work, 6 hours sleeping, and 3 minute sexual disappointments, all they do is play games.  If I had to chose between being the most obsessed PC gamer or the most obsessed console gamer, I would choose console gaming hands down.

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